Saturday, October 30, 2010

October, seen from a farewell walk

When Sunday arrives, I will awaken in the Lake House, get up, look out the window to make certain the sky is still there, turn on television to learn if the rest of the world has vanished overnight, make coffee because it is my habit, turn on the computer to connect with the near and the distant and .... and .... and .... When Sunday departs, I will be gone from the Lake House, to a destination yet to be determined. White Bear laughs at me. He has lived in six places so far this year. I have lived in only five. White Bear says we who are free of everything actually are the ones who rule the world. He is right, of course, but it does not make leaving a place you enjoy any easier.

October is the cruelest month

I feel very sad tonight. Tonight and tomorrow night will be my last nights in the Lake House. Within a few days after moving here, I said I had fallen in love with this house. This is true. The only thing that did not make it a perfect house was its location. That is not the fault of the house, but it also is true. Even in dollars and cents that is true. Being on this side of the road, away from the lake side, means it is worth $250,000 less than it would be if it were across the road and right on the lakeshore. Everything has a value, rightly or wrongly.

Yes, in this case the difference between $650,000 and $400,000. Anyone care to make a bid?

This house does have life. I mean an actual life within itself, of its own. Of that, I am certain. There are many noises; some from the house still settling (it is only four years old); some from animation absorbed from those who have lived here or have visited here; some from the manitou of the house itself.

It actually has locked me out twice, well, three times, but the first was my fault. In the last two instances, unlocked doors became locked during the thirty or forty minutes I was outside walking in a meadow just up the hill behind the house. It wanted me to stay inside, and not to leave it even for a few minutes just beyond its doors. Or, maybe, it was angry at me for leaving it and was telling me not to come back. Who knows?

This evening, I went for a walk in the dark. It was the first time I have done that down the road which runs in front of the house during the two months that I have lived here. I have gone for a walk at night many, many times in the meadow just up the hill behind the house. I have stood there at times for a seemingly infinite moment, watching the stars, watching the moon -- listening for the sounds of the night and the creatures of the night, ready to growl back. It has been a good experience to do this.

Then, I returned to the Lake House and turned on every light I could find. It was the first time I have done that. Then, I returned to the road in front of the house with my camera and took a few photographs. Here, you see one. The upper room on the left, incidentally, is where I have had my computers and write these things to you. The upper room on the right has been the bedroom in which I have slept for the past two months.

On Sunday these things will end, and for one more time I will leave one place and move along to the next place. It seems like an endless walk, a road never traveled by anyone before me, with a destination I could not imagine no matter how hard I tried -- could not fathom even if I sold my soul for a mere hint, a simple clue. The end will be there waiting for me, probably laughing at me, hopefully welcoming me.

So, goodbye, October. Goodbye, Lake House. You see now? You believe me now? I told you October is the cruelest month.


The Deserted House
by Alfred, Lord Tennyson


Life and Thought have gone away
Side by side,
Leaving door and windows wide.
Careless tenants they!

All within is dark as night:
In the windows is no light;
And no murmur at the door,
So frequent on its hinge before.

Close the door; the shutters close;
Or through the windows we shall see
The nakedness and vacancy
Of the dark deserted house.

Come away: no more of mirth
Is here or merry-making sound.
The house was builded of the earth,
And shall fall again to ground.

Come away: for Life and Thought
Here no longer dwell;
But in a city glorious -
A great and distant city - have bought
A mansion incorruptible.
Would they could have stayed with us!

No song .... maybe, later .... maybe, not .... but ....

Well, yes, I have found a song now, one from long ago that I think is beautiful and in which the lyrics are sort of appropriate to my own words in this post. I might add that whoever put together this video, I think, is cool and neat and shows significant, potential imaginative talent.

Now, if you would be kind enough to excuse me while I move from drifting in thought to rocking in real time. It is a night for a going-away party here, for a wake, for a last memory .... and, in the meanwhile, just close your own eyes and slip within the sound of the song .... it is a leap toward magic, you know ....

11 comments:

Kaya said...

It's too sad that you are moving out but I can understand it.

I agree with White Bear, it's better to be free from everything. Once I tried to follow advice "attach- detach." Just for a moment to be completely attached to nice things and let it go (to detach) next moment. I think this advice has some sense.

Yes, location is many things. And when you realize that this is not what you expected it's time to think about change.

You said that October is cruelest month for you. Is it just this October? I remember that you wrote that autumn is difficult time for you.

I really believe that every house has it's own life and the house even can absorb your thoughts, attitude and feelings. I am sure that this house felt that sooner or later you will leave it and as you wrote became "angry" with you.

The endless road or walk???? That is about me also. Sometimes I feel that I try to reach something very important and I am walking in circles.

i like the poem of Tennyson a lot. That is real poetry!!!!

And Deep Purple is sooooo good. I didn't listen to them for a long time. It's nice to listen to them again.

Fram, may your sadness lighten and go away and may happy moments fill your life again. Do you remember that you wrote that everything is transitory ? And sadness and happiness and love and....

TheChicGeek said...

Hi Fram :) You added a song...I like :)
I was here last night but didn't comment.
The house looks pretty in the night. It really is a neat little place. I wish you could stay there.
Just think, in California you could buy a little box in the sky for 650,000 :O

Okay, Sweetie, hope you are enjoying your last day at the lake. One door closes, another always opens...an even better one :)
Have a Fun and Happy Weekend!
Love and a Big Hug from the West,
Kelly

TheChicGeek said...

Oooooh, very cool video! I like that one a lot! Cool music, awesome scenery, sad, but in certain situations, very true lyrics.
Thanks for sharing :)

Fram Actual said...

I think this house might be destined never to have a family love it, and it knows that, Kaya. It also knew I was here only for a short while, and resented me for my brevity.

I never planned to be here longer than September and October, but recently I began considering staying one more month. If I had spoken to the owner a day or two earlier, that would have been the case.

I did not expect this house to affect me so greatly when I rented it. Most houses I actually dislike.

Someone reminded me today that I am on the road that I am because I chose it. I wanted it. And, that is true. Maybe, this is a case of be careful what you wish for ....

October first was cruel to me in the sense that I actually felt it when I was seventeen. Autum always is difficult for me; October sometimes is cruel to me.

The only other month I have this feeling about is January. I often try to hide in October and January, to go somewhere those months cannot find me. I mean that, seriously.

My photographer friend introduced me to Deep Purple. "Child in Time" is my favorite among the band's songs.

Yes, everything is transitory, and I know that very well. I do like to feel sorry for myself at times, though, and I can be melodramatic and emotional simply because I am in the mood to be, if that makes sense at all.

More than one person has told me I am a very lucky man. While I do not necessarily think that I am, I will not argue that I am fortunate in many respects.

Fram Actual said...

Yes, Kelly, this Lake House is very attractive at night with all its lights on -- seeing the outside outlined, looking inside through the windows, searching for movement.

House prices in California !! This is one of the key reasons the state virtually is bankrupt. Everything has been overvalued there since 1849.

All right. I am looking north now. Maybe, over to the west? No. No doors opening yet. Later, I guess.

Yes, the video is cool, very much so for an obviously amateur production. As for Deep Purple, it is among my favorite bands from the hard rock era.

I like both the lyrics and the sound of this song, "Perfect Strangers." It is reminiscent (the sound) of Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir," I think. I am not certain which of those two songs came first. Whatever .... I almost began to ramble .... shame on me ....

Maddalena said...

What a beautiful shot, Frammy. Yes it is a very good, very friendly house, and I think I would fall in love too, in this place, if only I knew it better.

I am sure it will find someone, who is gonna love it, for good. It always happens. Goodness attracts goodness.

And you are on you way to the most beautiful and warm house anyone has ever seen :-)

Kaya said...

Fram, I am not sure it is a good time or not but I decided to tell you anyway. Go to my new blog My Art Gallery. Please, no obligations, no comments, no following. Just look and maybe it brightens your mood a little bit. And if it happens I will be very happy. Truly happy. What I posted on this blog today, it's for you Fram.

And if you don't feel like looking at it. Don't. I can understand.

Fram Actual said...

Thank you, Mag. Night shots are difficult, I think. It is impossible to know how they will turn out until they actually are seen on the screen or in print. I really believe the Lake House was smiling for me on this shot.

I think you might love this house because it really is alive and tells you it is in many ways. I hope a family with both parents and children does find it, and the children can grow up in it.

It is silly to say this (but, I do not care), but I had tears on the edge of my eyes all day.

So, we will see if your prediction is accurate. We will see if I "am on my way to the most beautiful and warm house anyone has ever seen." That really would be something.

Fram Actual said...

Well, I am not sure if it is a good time, either, Kaya. I am in a one-room motel in St. Peter, Minnesota, (the first capital of the State of Minnesota, incidentally) watching Game Four of the World Series. Since you took a chance, I will take a chance and visit "Your" Art Gallery.

And, yes, the work of your "Belorussian" brightened my mood. His magnificent colors and the city streets made me smile and remember that there is beauty in the world waiting for each and every one of us if we choose to see it.

Thank you, for giving me your artist and his work this final day of October.

TheChicGeek said...

Hi Fram :)
I came to deliver my own good wishes to you today. You see how blessed (lucky), whatever you want to call it, you are? You have all of these friends delivering you gifts of art and sending you loving thoughts on this difficult day for you. That makes me smile and I hope you are warmed by all this goodness.
Squeak, squeak, the door to warmth, beauty and happiness is opening :)

You are lucky to have tears too, Fram They are good. They let us know we are alive. They bring release to our frustrations, our joys, and I believe, if we listen, they guide us to a better and more clear place.
I send you My Love on the West Winds, Fram :)
Sweet Dreams*

Fram Actual said...

You keep on telling me that I am lucky or, in this instance, blessed, Kelly, and I will not argue the point. I think you are right, but there also are such things as contentment and peace of mind, which I have not yet stumbled across.

I learned a very long time ago that the exuberance of climbing a mountain or swimming a channel lasts no more than a few days, at most, for everyone other than a hedonist. But, the memory of such feats is personal and, therefore, more relevant.

And, never-the-less, another mountain is always there in the distance and another channel always exists just out of sight. There is no choice other than to keep moving and to discover what lies ahead.

So, it is that which I am doing.

Something special ....