Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The end of nothing

Due to lack of creativity and just plain being lazy, today's illustration is a photograph of my current workstation looking to the north (as if that were important). Remember, this is just another one of my temporary residences, so I cannot get too comfortable -- a few computers, a few books, a few guns. So, what is missing? Tell me.

The book of our lives

 It occurred to me that most people are recorders of their lives. Some are active recorders, writing diaries or journals or, maybe, simply keeping track of personal events on a calendar. Others do not write, but simply relive their lives through memories and by keeping a firm hold on people, places or things from their pasts.

But, a few people, and I like to think I am among them, are more than recorders of their lives. They are writers of their lives. Each day, they are thinking about and planning their tomorrows. They are writing their futures. The unexpected entry of a special someone or a natural disaster or a bit of bad luck in the form of a potentially fatal illness might alter the plot those writers are creating but, barring the unforeseen, they are formulating a plan for a segment (or, maybe, more) of their lives and then proceeding to live it.

While I have been a writer of my life most of my life, I have been neither a recorder nor a writer the past few years. In essence, I have been a branch adrift on a river, a leaf blowing on a breeze, a pen without paper. Complications enter our lives to alter our hopes and plans and goals, but, I think, it is important to find a way through the  morass of complications we encounter -- most of which are our own creations through bad decisions.

I have written here before that events during recent months have evolved, and that now I actually can see a light for me at the end of the proverbial tunnel. I guess these words are a reiteration of that thought. Barring the unforeseen, the end of my current tunnel -- which is to say my current life and existence -- is only as far away as next spring. And, I am beginning to write three or four possible scenarios as to the direction the book of my life will follow after that point in (flowing, moving, drifting) time.

Some possibilities: Back to Europe for a fourth and, maybe, a final time. (Europe fascinates me, the same way America fascinates some Europeans, and I might decide to stay there.) A boat, a big boat, to cruise upon the river Alph "down to a sunless sea," until an island is found. (In the tradition of Robert Louis Stevenson).  A cabin, by a clear, blue lake deep in the mountains to forget time exists. (After the model of some Nineteenth Century American mountain men I could name.)

 A few other thoughts wander through my mind, but these seem to be leading the pack.

These thoughts aside, the main point is that I want to become a writer of my life again -- not merely a recorder and, most certainly, not a man who waits for .... for what? The end of nothing?

Missing, but not forgotten

This probably is the first year since I began my blog in which I did not mention the Marine Corps birthday (November 10) or Veterans Day (November 11).  It is not because they were not on my mind; it was because my mind was not on them.

 Do you understand the distinction?

 I mean that this year -- for some reason beyond my understanding -- these two side-by-side days did not seem as important to me as they usually do, so I more-or-less just watched as they passed me by. One does not forget those "incarnations" of his life which are imperative to his very being, but one does not always choose to speak about them in public and, sometimes, decides to hide from remembering them just a bit.


ANITA said...

hmmmm.where is the teddy bear???Missing it!!!

Can see the black handgun on the bookshelf though!!

and all those computers!!Wow!!!!!

I think i know how you feel about your presence life..but i dont want to talk about it..because it shows many similarities to mine..
i hope each yesr will be better,but what in my life is lacking?LOVE..i think...they say between hope and love..hope is the best..cause without hope..no life...however i think that without love..and i mean woman man love..life is in a way very grey..but i dont know..really..

I love your flat..but i thought you had bought something..for yourself..to stay in forever!!

what you say about ecape norht for a year is one of my dreams too..i mean sometimes i long for the quiet landscape..but would i like to live there for good?i dont know..i think i am the restles kind..cant really settle down(may be cause always moving in my life..like the "Sigøyners"!!

wow..you got alot of good books!!Lucky!!))I thank you for this post..i see you are alive and good!!and we love your writing!!Hope you are able to begin your book!!Exciting!!

Agree with you that beeing on the blogs is nothing new..but i think it is a good way to share and learn from other people..and i think the ones we have been talking to for years..are there for some reason..

Ok..i have just awakened ..and need some air..thank you for wishing eme good luck at work..gonna need it because it is hell week!!

Psst.Btw..is is -the Pascific you have going on the tele??nice series!!

have a good day Fram!Many hugs!!))

Fram Actual said...

White Bear and a few of his friends are the white objects in the rocking chair in the foreground, Anita. And, actually there are three handguns within reach from the chair. And, "Band of Brothers" was on television without sound. Rainbow was on two computer screens with the sound of Ronnie James Dio coming through loud and clear. I do not recall what was on the third computer screen and cannot tell by looking at it now.

No, no, no. I thought I had made it clear many times that I did not return to the Twin Cities and buy a house in the suburbs with the intention of living here happily ever after. I came to fulfill a commitment. I have done so, and now I can begin preparations for leaving here. Living in the suburbs has nearly killed me, and I say that literally. In the words of Lord Byron:

He was a hunter of the hills,
Had followed there the deer and wolf;
To him this dungeon was a gulf,
And fetter'd feet the worst of ills.

Thank you, for sharing your thoughts about what I wrote and your own feelings/opinions in that regard. I write to express myself, but the ultimate goal is to learn what others think and feel.

So, good luck, once more, with your work week.

Kaya said...

That is nice, Fram, that you have a little home library. Some people even don't understand why to have your favorite books at home. And why to have books at home at all.

I have no clue what is missing on this photograph. If you like this place, if it makes you feel relaxed and at peace and happy, it is a right place to be.

I am not a recorder and not a writer of my life. My life is very chaotic right now, and many things are going on in it.

Probably, I am more inclined to be a writer of my life.

I don't believe in the end of nothing. If you think and hope and try not mess up much with your life there is no the end of nothing.

ANITA said...

Allright.It is like where are my glasses????On my nose!!

of course now i see twhite bear!!!!

stupid me!
but i only can see two of the guns..one at hte shelvf and other at the table..

I should like to have SUPER eyes soo i also could see your books..

Fram Actual said...

I like to say that I travel light, Kaya, and I do. But, the reason I can and I do is because most of what I own is waiting for me somewhere in a house or a storage unit. This includes boxes and boxes of books. There are three other book cases of equal size to those shown in the photograph in this room, and a few dozen boxes of books in an empty bedroom. Beyond that, I have given away five or six hundred just since 2009.

My response to Anita's first comment was written twice. In the first version, which I deleted in favor of my second reply, I did not have the paragraph explaining my presence in this house in the suburbs of Minneapolis/Saint Paul. Rather than repeat what I said, if you look there you will discover what has been my dilemma.

I am sorry to hear your life is chaotic at the moment. That has been my story in recent months (years, actually), as well, but, as I noted in my post, I finally am able to glimpse the light at the end of the tunnel.

For me, living here -- in this house, in this suburb -- my life is nothing beyond mere existence. I made a choice to be here, not because I wanted to be here, but because I felt an obligation, a commitment. I am fortunate because now that obligation/commitment is ending, not because of choice, but due to fate.

We always have choices of being where we are and doing what we are doing, and we live with our choices unless or until fate intervenes.

Fram Actual said...

Yes, Anita, White Bear is sitting in the rocking chair with two friends and two puppies. They frequently are up all night watching films on television. Boys will be boys.

Only a portion of the grip of the third handgun is visible. It is among the books.

I will leave the books to your imagination.

Wind said...

Hello, Fram, Kaya, Anita....guns, bears, books, computers, guitars ...
I am here in Romania watching you, he he.
I am ready to go to meet The Black Sea coast and the seagulls , not far away from here (3 hours drive).I started to think lately that our fate is not a matter of choice but a spider web which catch you and keeps you blocked. Because of our lack of power, because we get used with it...because....
Close your eyes! Can you see it? Sticky, thick, dense, let's say full of our own habits.... How can we broke it? What do you think?
See you on the beach! Soon...

Fram Actual said...

ually, there is one knife in the photograph, as well, Daliana. It is a Gerber Guardian of the Loveless variation, a memento from a former incarnation. Well, I guess such "tools" generally do not interest girls, so I will add that there also is one watch, a few pens and reading glasses (uffff) .... well, I am beginning to tease now.

I think I envy you for your jaunt to the Black Sea, although I would prefer to do it during nicer weather. I learned a few months ago that the Marine Corps holds war games every summer with several Black Sea nations, including Romania. Too bad this was not the case during my time with the USMC.

Yes, yes, yes. There is fate. There is destiny. But, most of the years of our lives are the creation of our own habits and our own definitions of comfort and, mostly, of our own bravery -- or lack, thereof. We all have our strengths and our weaknesses.

I hope your journey is beneficial in every way imaginable. In some ways, your sea reminds me of my lake, which is to say, Lake Superior. I, too, need a "Gitche Gumee” in my life.

Smareis said...

Olá Fram,

Eu acho essa sala super confortável, e ter uma biblioteca dentro de casa é maravilhoso, uma companhia excelente.
Acho que sua sala esta completa, talvez falte um cão, um violão, um sofá macio risos. Brincadeira, achei super sala super confortável .
Adorei os vídeos, Gary Moore toca muito a guitarra. O cara é bom mesmo.

Grande abraço amigo!

Ótima semana!

Fram Actual said...

Yes, it is a comfortable room, Smareis, and at my chair I sit looking from a window at the world outdoors to see the seasons pass along, one after the other.

There are many more books, hundreds, actually, but out of sight. True, there is no dog, the only guitar remaining is hidden away and no soft sofa. In fact, I still am a college boy at heart, and sleep on the floor. In most respects, I live the life of a monk, but one without prayer.

Gary Moore was among the very special with a guitar. Yes, he really was, but great guitar players never are remembered long ....

ANITA said...

Thank you for your visit to me Fram :)Hopeto see more from your interesting photoes!!you know..we all love what you do!

Fram Actual said...

Thank you, Anita ....

Something special ....